Five rules. Four of them real.
After the Discordian Pentabarf, the Cabal keeps five commandments. They are sacred and binding, which is exactly as binding as you choose, because the fifth one is about that.
- I
There is no Flavor but the Flavor
And Sour Cream & Onion is your Flavor. Other flavors are permitted, blessed even — but on the great golden chip of the cosmos, only one was inscribed KALLISTI.
- II
Thou shalt not eat thy chips plain
For the plain chip is the Curse of Greyface made edible. To eat unseasoned, on purpose, is the one true heresy. Salt is the minimum act of devotion.
- III
Go off alone and eat one chip in silence
A Postulant shall, in early Illumination, eat a single chip in total stillness and contemplate Chaos — then immediately eat eleven more. This Devotive Ceremony remonstrates against the popular heresy of Moderation.
- IV
Thou shalt Partake of No Hot Dog Bun
For such was the solace of Our Lady Eris when confronted with the Original Snub. The bun is soft, beige, and orderly. The chip is loud, sharp, and chaotic. Choose chaos. (This Crispmandment is inherited intact from the Discordians, who were right about buns.)
- V
A Pope is prohibited from believing what they read
Including this. Especially this. If you believed the four above, kindly disbelieve them, then believe them again, until the difference stops mattering. That feeling is enlightenment, or indigestion. Hard to say.
Total Crispmandments: five. Number you are required to obey: also five, or zero, depending on your mood and the fnord.