RelicThe First Chip
The original Golden Apple of Discord, recovered at last. It is a chip. It is stale beyond mortal reckoning. It is also, undeniably, the prettiest one.
Provenance: total · Edibility: zero
The Reliquary
Artifacts of dubious provenance & total authenticity.
The Cabal maintains a reliquary of sacred objects. Every item is, in the strictest sense, made up — and, in the Discordian sense, more real than your car. Mind the velvet ropes.
Relic
RelicThe Sacred Bag
Inscribed KALLISTI in foil. Its resealable strip has never once resealed — proof, the faithful hold, that order is a lie and snacks are forever.
Strip: non-functional (canon)
RelicThe Golden Onion
A bulb gilded by an anonymous Pope. On holydays it weeps genuine tears, which our theologians attribute to Eris and our janitors attribute to humidity.
Weeps: situationally
RelicThe Dip Grail
A chalice eternally brimming with sour cream. All may drink. None may double-dip — for that way lies true Discord, and also germs.
Double-dipping: heresy
RelicThe Reliquary of Crumbs
A gilded casket holding the crumbs of every bag ever finished by the Cabal. Each crumb is a saint. We have lost count, which is correct.
Saints: uncountable
RelicThe Stained Tabernacle
A stained-glass onion, haloed and radiant, installed in a window that faces — by sacred law — the nearest snack aisle.
Faces: the snack aisle
RelicPortrait of the First Pope
An oil painting of a robed figure cradling an open bag with the serenity of the truly seasoned. Their name is lost. Their flavor is remembered.
Name: lost · Flavor: kept
RelicThe Powder of Revelation
A vial of the two sacred powders, Cream and Onion, blended by no human hand (a machine, probably). Do not inhale during prayer. We learned that the hard way.
Inhalation: not advised
You have walked the reliquary
Now hold a relic of your own.
Every Pope receives, upon ordination, a printable card — minor relic, major vibes.